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Desri R. Stranton
01 February 2009 @ 01:51 am
Hellooo, from the world of TV. ♥


Yes, I know, I'm the master of disappearances. How is everyone? Tell me things. :3

Well, there's quite the bit to...update about myself. I've since moved to LA. It's rather nice here, though all my allergies/ailments/illnesses have decided to come thundering back. We live in such a healthy country.

Over the past couple months...a lot of stuff happened. In short, Grace moved in, I've almost died a couple times along with a few of my family members, we're going broke, I have more blood problems, and I've started dating again.

I know what you're thinking.

But after Tiffany wanted an 'open relationship', har har, Jesus boy told me God told him not to date me, and Miss Drac I'm-Such-a-Hardcore-Lesbian-lol fucked off to penis country, I think I finally found a winner.

And not my regular kind of winner.


He's good to me. He's not a sociopath, he's not emotionally and physically manipulative, he has the greatest smile, and he's all mine.  He adores me, and I'm crazy about him. Not the bad kind of crazy either. This is like no relationship I've ever had. I mean, shit, he takes care of me for fucksake....

It's the most...uncomplicated relationship I've had. He doesn't play games with my head. He likes laying with me, and nothing else. And sometimes, I can't tell if it's his heart beating or mine.

And since Grace came here, I've been happier. I don't like being disconnected from her, and I feel like I have part of me back. It's hard, but it's not impossible. With her around. And Sara is here too, and with the three of us? It's just like old times. I've missed that. Also, Grace -likes- him.

Now, you don't understand the gravity of this.

NO ONE, NONE of my 'significant others' have liked her. Because they don't seem to get our relationship. They're mean to her, spiteful, and then shit goes down. And God love her, she never says anything to me. I usually get bitched at by the OTHER side, and wtf all over the place. See, if you don't get along with the girl that saved my life, then you're gone. She is the constant in my life. So, fuck all.

The problem isn't her either. No one--especially girls--don't get our relationship, feel threatened, or don't want to accept how much I love her, because they don't think I could love my best friend so much, and devote love to anyone else.

As any sane, smart person should know, that's just bullshit.

So. In short.

She likes him. And I could scream with joy.

He seems to be mature enough to know that if you don't get along with her, you don't stay long. And I can't even express how much that means to me. We haven't known each other too long, but it's not like we're getting married.

I just know I adore him, he's good to me, and I'm happy. And I really do think he might genuinely care about me. And that's a first.


I'm really tired these days, though. My eye is blacking out here and there, things in my body keep going wrong, and bills pile up. It's not all that bad, though. I'm still alive.

And life is getting good.
 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: sleepy
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
26 May 2008 @ 05:29 am
Sometimes, I don't know if I'll ever get on top of what I need to. Sometimes, I doubt my talent so badly, I just want to re-enroll in school again and get a 'real' job.

But I love what I do, so fucking much. There's nothing else I -want-...I'd rather just wither away somewhere than stop. It's the only place I've ever felt at home. There is nothing like a stage. Nothing like--burning under the lights, it's not just words, or lines to a page, or doing as your told, it's..feeling.

It's experiencing, and rubbing your emotions raw. There's nothing like a live audience, nothing like the applause, the dark faces, the light gasps and human reaction. There is nothing like the feeling, at the top of show. Feeling the wood under your feet, in front of a fresh audience. The chemistry between players, making connections that were never there before, finding new glances and ticks.


A funny thing-- I get cast in a lot of crazy roles. Literal meaning, crazy. For example, The Crucible's Mary Warren. Find Me's Verity. Alter-ego multiple who's trying to kill my double, so on, so on, so on. 'dentity Crisis, and all.

They're... It's emotionally and physically draining. Tapping into a well of unreserved raving lunacy and breaking points. Finding that strength to scream at ceilings and yellow birds, sticking my head in ovens, temper-tantruming over a denied swim. Gym socks.


Sometimes, I don't think I'm that good.

But I'll never stop.

That's why we're going to LA. It's for me. And I'm terrified. That I'm just not good enough to make my mark on someone, anyone, that they'll give me a chance. It's a hard and scary business. That's what 60% of it is, a business.

Hundreds of thousands of reason why a casting director won't like you, from the way your named is spelled, to if you look like someone they hated in highschool. Height, age, weight--teeth color, bust size. Skin color too, but not in the way you might think. The kind of 'look' you have.

It also depends on what's out, what's in-- are agents looking for more Caucasian girls this season, or are they on the hunt for Latins and Mullatos. Companies and casting directors, directors, producers etc, they play favorites. Obviously. What do they want for the pilot seasons, who's casting-- SAG or not SAG, the companies to work for, choosing the right agents that will actually get you work. Pestering the fuck out of people. Contracts. Finance. Managers. People talking to people. It matters who you've been taught by. And connections. It's not the people you know. It's who knows you. Y'know, every film class and acting-for-film class and film-mechanics class, and whatever the fuck I've taken by now, I swear, it's a conspirasy, they're -trying- to scare you to death with the business.

Entertainment will never be simple again.

It all seems so easy when you're sitting in Beginning Acting with a teacher going on about the basics of Method and stage directions. And when it's carved into your bones, every basic trick you could ever be taught as an actor, you look back on it and sigh. How did you ever learn it so well that it's just habit now. Why doesn't anything else come as easily.


I'm so scared.


And just recently, I've become so frustrated with things here, fearing for my friends, counting back on horribly failed relationships--missing my sister Grace, my best friends I made when things felt so simple. I'm just...fucking upset. And I'm not sleeping much. We're in financial trouble, and we're firing our Realtor to hire a new one--my dad keeps getting fucked with Hawaii Telcom, my mom's aunt died and we can't make it for the funeral, and my brother, spending over 2,000 dollars a month somehow--how can someone even fucking DO that?? In a MONTH?

It doesn't bother me all the time. My parents are going crazy themselves, and at least one us has to keep it together...when people are counting on you. Who am I to count on anyway? I'm not that reliable. I'm not even that great a person. But I try, and that's saying something, right?

I want to go somewhere it's snowing. And play around with my dad. Have a day out with my mom where we don't scream at each other, and laugh the whole time. I want to go somewhere with my brother, and no feel like I'm going to say something stupid.

I haven't actually slept more than 8 hours in the last two days. And I'm tired.
I've thought about taking up cliff diving.

Always face the wind, it feels like you're flying.
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
29 March 2008 @ 01:32 am

If you'll pardon this interruption, ahem...


I'M GOING TO BE AN EXTRA ON THE TELEVISION SHOW LOST!!!!!

That is all.
 
 
Current Mood: jubilant
Current Music: theme to The Boondocks
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
11 March 2008 @ 01:55 am
Man, my shit is fucked up.

Seriously.


I think it's time to commandeer the tequila, my corner, and a little thing of applesauce. Cinnamon applesauce, because it makes me happy. That would be a good thing to have.


Maybe a grilled cheese sandwich. They remind me of when I was little. When I didn't understand things so well.
 
 
Current Location: the kitchen
Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: Back to Black - Amy Winehouse
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
17 January 2008 @ 02:10 pm
Thanks, guys, for your support...really. <3 It means alot, and you're all made of awesome.
Okay, so, it's been...six days since Rinally turned into a douchebag. I'm not okay yet. But I'm getting there, or at least, getting to a point where I'll stop being so angry all the time.

You know her alias, Rinally? I gave her that fucking name. When we first talked, she gave me two names, Ally and Marina. And I named her Rinally.

I tried to be a good friend.
I was always there.
I listened to every fucking problem.


I really should have seen this coming when she said, "I didn't want to listen to your problems." the FIRST time she was ignoring me. I listened to every motherfucking issue of HERS. Because I WANTED to help a LITTLE because that's what best friends DO. But I just didn't matter to her anymore. I wasn't important anymore. So, she dropped me, "as gently as she could". That selfish, shallow, fucking cuntshitwhore.

Yeah, I'm still a wee bit angry. After three years of "I love you" and all those fucking promises we made each other, and her most RECENT PROMISES that she would never DO THIS, as in LEAVE AND FORGET ABOUT ME, yeah. I'm still pretty fucking pissed off.

So much for regrets, right.
It's hard being on Poly now, though. I introduced her to Poly, y'know. It took MONTHS. FUCKING MONTHS, to get her to even LOOK at it. And then she joined, and she loved it. I was so happy she did too, but that's when it -started-. Something better came along, and she threw me out. And now, I see her kids on there, and it kills me, because she just seems so fucking content with all this. I dropped two kids, and restarted one, because she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. It's like the remnants of a battle field...I hate it.


...Anyway...I actually have some good news today. I auditioned for a commercial on the 11th, the -day- Rinally left me. And my agent called me yesterday.

And I got it. I GOT IT, the spot is MINE. And the shoot is tomorrow, at 11:30, so I won't be around the whole day. I'm just..really fucking happy SOMETHING good turned up this week.


That, and I have my fabu girl, Tiffy. Ah loves j00. <3
 
 
Current Location: the den
Current Mood: aggravated
Current Music: Paloma Negra
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
13 November 2007 @ 03:29 pm

I unpacked half a box the other day. In it, was my entire dresser. Not the dresser itself, but everything that was on top of it.

You see, back home in texas, I had this...well, I don't know what to call it. It was a collection, of random things on top of my stereo and my dresser top. I have a triangular box of rose petals I've been collecting since my last ballet recital..I was eight.

I have a candle holder that has various melted candles on it, and an indian painted wooden trinket that's full of safety pins I got for christmas from a secret santa at ACC. Dangling from the candle-holder are four glass crystals, and a little red bell tied on a red ribbon.

Around it are two masks I bought from my first trip to Italy with my parents. One is painted so beautifully, split almost directly down the middle; one half in dark colors, with golden leaves, lush red flowers, blue petals and the like. The other half is molded with gold-leaf, and has little strips of music notes and bars. It's a beautiful little half-mask. The other mask is much cheaper, but I loved it. It's painted gold, with black feathers sprouting from it. At the crest, where the arch of the nose starts, is a blue jewel. Three brown feathers sprout from it. Tiny ones.

Beside these is a glass jar, a christmas loon painted on it, holly wrapped around it's neck. There are little dots of snow all over it, in groups of three. Inside it is potpourri, and it smells like ginger, cinnamon, and pine. It was a gift from my brother, many years ago. It's always meant alot to me.

Around all that are a few small things. One is a tiny basket, one from the old, old Walk-Through-Bethlehem at my church. We had something of a fair just before christmas, and alot of the people that worked at the church, my grandparents included, set up this huge reenactment of Bethlehem, the Manger Scene and all. They used to have a market in one of the bigger rooms, and my mentor for my confirmation sold baskets. She gave me one of the tiny ones, and I've had it ever since. I was...five, maybe. I hated confirmation...and the people at my church were just so...fake. My parents stopped taking us to church -ages- ago. But the Walk-Through-Bethlehem was the highlight of my year for awhile. Getting to play around in costumes, buy things from the vendors with sheckles, swiping rock candy from the sugar-seller when he wasn't looking. It was something my whole family did together, grandparents and all, where we got along and had fun. That tiny basket and a clay pot are all I have left from it.

Beside that is a small silver box. Like a jewelry box. On the lid, a scene from the Restoration period is carved. Two men sit, playing chess, while three women stand by behind them, in their large wigs, gowns, holding fans before their faces. The inside of the box is lined with red velvet. It sits on four skinny feet. I think my mother gave it to me. I've just always had it. Beside that is a little crystal rose, the petals dark red, the center in clear crystal. Mag sent it to me, ages ago, for my birthday..

Then, there's my little doll. She's a bitty doll, in a white dress, dotted with pink and blue flowers on brown and green branches. She has a tiny dark green apron with white polka-dots, and a white hat with the same green trim. She has little plain black shoes, and white bloomers. Her hair is dark brown, and in pigtails. Her eyes are brown, and she has tiny pink painted lips. I never named her. I don't remember where I got her...I was on vacation with my parents. Somewhere in NoMansLand, in the country...and I asked for her.

Behind her, as well as the split mask from Venice, is a ceramic fairy. She's fairly big. She has pale pale skin, and golden hair. Pink lips, and blue eyes. On her head is a pink flower, with two dark green leaves acting as a headband. Her wings are large, like great leaves, in a dark dark teal. She sits on her knees, head tilted slightly to the left, gazing upwards, hands folded on her legs. I painted her myself, at..a girl's birthday party I don't know anymore. I was ten.

Behind all this, leaning against one of the three mirrors to my bureau, is a collection of roses. Fake ones, mind you. One is very tall, velveted petals, very real-looking. A gift from one of the cable channels from my dad's work. Same as a nother rose, smaller, just as real-looking. There's a very very tall one, not as real, with red and white ribbons attached to it, and a small white plastic bear. A gift from a boy who used me as a rebound from his 4-year relationship. There are four other roses, three are dark, dark colored, the most realistic in terms of shape. I bought them for a project, but couldn't bring myself to cut them all up. The last is a dark, large, black rose, covered in fake dew. A gift from Marcus. An ex, but one of the best friends I ever had. I haven't honestly spoken to him in years. No way to contact him.

On the -other- side is my box of rose-petals, the triangular one. It's under a thin handkerchief, pale orange-beige, with black and red Indian designs. My dad found it on a bus during one of our vacations. In the middle of it are two dark peacocks, one upstraight, the other bending, curling it's neck around. On it is a small clay pot. It's also from the walk-through thing, we had a woman that would work on a wheel. She made me that pot special, along with one other that was glazed and fired. It broke ages ago. This pot, however, is not glazed. It's full of a rose potpourri my mother let me have.

On one side of this is a globe. A dark blue globe, my dad got from the Weather Channel. When you used to shake it, a white cloud would swirl around all over. It doesn't anymore.

On the other side is a small black chinese jar. In it, are ashes from the first incense sticks I ever burned. When I remember, I still add to it.

And, finally, there is a vase of flowers. Four dried yellow roses, two dried pink daisies, and four 'stone roses' from Dallas's Scarborough Fair. The dried roses and daisies were from a bouquet of roses from my angel, Grace. She gave them to me for my last Christmas Carol at ATD she came to see. For as long as they'll hold up, I'll always have them. The stone roses have a story themselves.

One is Pink, one is Purple, one is Silver, and one is Red.

The Pink one was a gift from my friend Larke. She and her history--maybe english?--class went during the school year, and she thought to bring one to me. I had never had one before, so it's always been special. The purple one I bought myself while there, with Maggie-Kathleen. It matched my costume. The silver one I also bought myself, on the same trip. I went back for it because it was so pretty.

And the Red one. Ah, the red one. Marcy bought that one for me. It's a bittersweet thing. I loved her, alot. And she broke my heart.

And then, there's the small, long blue cushion, filled with herbal seeds. On it, are four miniature birds, about the size of marbles. And a plain white mask. The mask was one I fixed to fit me exclusively.


I've been in Hawaii for a year. It's not as cracked up as it sounds, to be honest. The skies are the same, the temperature is always the same...the highlight for me is the ocean. I could live and die by the sea.

But I miss cold. I miss cold, so dearly. Winter, strong winds, chills. I miss walking in the cold.


But...unpacking this box, it's the first time I've felt at home. It surprised me how much all that stuff meant.

When my mother came home, and saw all the crumpled packing paper, she asked me if I found anything.

I said, "..Yeah. Me."

Tags:
 
 
Current Location: class
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Que Cera, Cera
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
07 October 2007 @ 05:19 pm
VoicePost Help
760K 4:09
(no transcription available)


It's fine, really. I'm just a little out of it lately. ♥

My birthday is tomorrow. ♥ That'll be kinda neat.
 
 
Current Mood: cold
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
05 October 2007 @ 11:16 pm
VoicePost Help
59K 0:19
“I feel entirely inadequate. ___”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post - spoken through SpinVox
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
30 September 2007 @ 03:49 pm

Here we go. <3 I think it's considerably accurate? I tried. Hard. Finding just the right material...I still need to add a few things, like the fringe on the top rim of the corset.

And yes. That's MY hair. I may use the wig I just bought to spruce it up like hers. Maybe.

Three months of work!! <3 Six if you count my taking a  break from it. WHOOO!!! Ready for HALLOWEEN!!!
 
 
Current Mood: chipper
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
25 September 2007 @ 03:05 am
I completely neglect this thing.

So, blah, blah blah, life, blah blah, school, blah blah blah, no social live, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So, I was sick today, and it was not awesome. Other than that, nothing interesting has happened in my life lately.

Besides getting hit on at the Salvation Army.

BTW, did anyone watch this Kid Nation...? It's hilarious. They're emotionally permanently scaring children for the rest of their lives, yay! That kid, the first one that decided to go home, the SMARTEST of them all. "Fuck this shit, I'm going home. Good luck with manual labor, starvation, and therapy for the rest of your life, suckers!!"

Seriously, though, reality TV will stop at -nothing-...not even your kids are safe. Sad, right?


Also, how many times a week do you say to yourself, "I miss highschool"? Just a thought.
 
 
Current Mood: awake
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
11 August 2007 @ 07:56 pm
Tiiiiiiiiiiffanyyy!!!


Because there are NONE anywhere, I made Tiffany a slew of Minerva icons. ♥


1.] Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
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^^ Yaaaaaaaaaay. ♥
Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: bouncy
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
22 July 2007 @ 03:17 pm

....I stole the computer.


...One chapter. One, then the epilogue, and I'm...finished. 

I've been crying all morning--And the entire station chapter had me in tears. 

I have never loved Albus more.


Oh....my GOD.

 
 
Current Mood: indescribable
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
20 July 2007 @ 08:19 pm
Ommmmgggg...I will have it in my hands tomorrow. TOMORROW. 


*dies* I want it now, It's driving me crazy. DSKJHSFHSFHDSFJHGASDJHGFUJ

When I finally do get it, I can read Tiffany's discussion reviews. XD MRAAAAH


Also, app week cannot come sooner. *can't wait to get a Sirius, Remus, and Voldie* 

Who's playing Albus? That's right. I win. 

ZAAAAAAAACK, I HAVE, LIKE, GIFT FOR YOU?? Birthday awesomeness man. OMG. How old are you now...Omg. Don't even.
I wonder if you still check this. XDDD Join Poly or die.

Also, I can finally use this:
 
 
 
Current Location: hawaii, foo'
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Slipped Away
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
30 May 2007 @ 07:24 am
Guess whaaaaat...?

I'm in Copenhagen!!!! And I haven't slept for 72 hours, yay.

I get on the ship in two days, and I'll have internet access!! I'll be doing alot of shit during the day, so I dunno how often I'll be able to get on, but I will be here.

Now, those of you of my dearest darlings of Poly--did you miss me? I missed yoooou-- who should I update with?

Someone who doesn't have to be too frequent, so I'm probably keeping Ana on hiatus. Leeloo is a most-likely, so's Vlad---

HOLY CRAP, AT WORLD'S END. TIA WILL BE BACK SOON. For those of you who have seen it, please e-mail me with questions about stuff and my Tia. There will be things to discuss. <3 

I doubt the ship's computers will have AIM. 

OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, my lovelies, I miss you dearly--EXXIE. TEXTING NINJAR. <3

All the looove evvveeeer! <3
 
 
Current Location: Copenhagen
Current Mood: tired
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
03 May 2007 @ 01:13 pm
I really should update this thing more often...

Last time I did, I was smashed...wait no, time before that. <3

>.>...Poly has eaten my sooooul...Zack, you BETTER app again, come oooon, pleeeaaase!


Hey. Hey, you. On my friends list. Yes, you.  Come join [info]polychromatic. Like, now. v.v

Srysly, I need a Van Helsing for my Vladislaus Dracula. I WANT HIM BADLY. <3


Oh, and hey, guess what....

I HAVE AN AUDITION TONIGHT!! FOR A REAL MOVIE!! And the part is an aztecian princess. Go figure. I am -psyched-. Also, a documentarist has hired me for a documentary about the bishop princess here in Hawaii. <3

Working = happy.
 
 
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Moulin Rouge - Elephant Love Medley
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
19 March 2007 @ 01:07 pm
Oho, wow...


Yes, that last entry was me...kind've...drunk off my ass.

Happens. XD Ahah. I apologize, seriously, wow. Okay.


Also, I know I haven't been around and stuff. At all. And I'm sorry for that too. Life hasn't been that exciting here anyway. HOWEVER, I'm psyched about the POTC3 comming out.

Like, seriously, I was screaming in my bathroom this morning when the countdown for the trailer went down to 6 hours.


ANYWAY, any of you guys still alive out there...?

I hope so.


I miss you crazy cats.
 
 
Current Location: windward cc
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Armor for Sleep
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
26 February 2007 @ 05:55 am
drunk! AGAIN


worse than ;ast tme I imain


just really sadj about the bitch. realy sucks i don't


wait

yes i do.


haven
t stopped thinking about her all day

hye, guys, I totally have those cliche hicups. Trippy.

I know I shouldn't...and it's bad ans shit.


but damn do i feel good right now





it's been awhile sine I've gottem really gone


y'know








i just wanted her to go away. for a lttle while and she did

ad itws good


andni'm la. i am soooo



ihate myself alot and it sucks


alpt

amd o jate jer evem ,pre






I apologize for this in advance this is really horrible of me.


I am so sorry.

I really am. I am so sorry. I'm sorry.


Goodnight
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
06 January 2007 @ 02:10 pm
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
*Graduated high school
*Went to Greece
*Went to Hawaii
*Moved
*Moved TO Hawaii
*Had poi. (eeeeuugh.)
*Enrolled in college.
*Learned to drive
*Got a really gay looking license

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I never make resolutions, I forget them, and/or never keep them.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My dog, Courtney, and our grackle Inca.

5. What countries did you visit?
Greece, Italy, and Germany.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Stability, a job, a home in LA, a contract, a name agent, a less insane family. My friends.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
November 1st. And the end of school, the day all of us went to the park, and the day I moved. October 13th, Friday the 13th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting the Kathy Muller people to represent me.
Otherwise, I did shit.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Alot of things?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
ALL OF YOU KNOW. I nearly fucking broke my ankle again. And I keep falling down the stairs in my house.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The gifts I still need to send. <3

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
My friends. <3

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Someone who shall remain nameless, but made Sara the coggy hair thing. <3

14. Where did most of your money go?
What money?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Greece, Theo, and living at Grace's house for a week before I left.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Daniel Powter's Bad Day

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
ii. thinner or fatter? Uh..yeah, about the same.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
ANYTHING.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Shit like this. And crying.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
What, this year? With the family. Next year, probably the same thing, only in NYC.

21. What was the most embarassing thing to happen to you?
Nearly breaking my ankle a 4th time, falling down the stairs, and every waking moment spent with my brother in a public place.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
<3

23. How many one-night stands?
Phffft.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
House M.D. <3

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Yep.

26. What was the best book you read?
Lolita

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Tori Amos

28. What did you want and got?
A perfect jewel.

29. What did you want and not get?
Stability, a job, home in LA, etc.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
POTC Dead Man's Chest and The Prestige.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 19...what the fuck did I..OH, Grace was over at my house for the weekend. <3 We went to the fair. God, that seems a million miles away.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Stability, a job, a home in LA, etc.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
I don't have a fashion concept; one of the many reasons my brother has a large amount of contempt for me.

34. What kept you sane?
My friends. Tho', sanity is overrated.

35. Which celebrity/public figure do you like the most?
XD Geee, I wonder...Robbie. <3

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Immigration, gay marriage, the domestic spying, sanitation, and other such things.

37. Who did you miss?
My friends.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Steven.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
It's hard to move and have a new life seperate from your old one. At least, harder than it seems.--You are so fucking right, Sara.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gona change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that Ill always want you near
You say that things change my dear

Never change" -- Winter, Tori Amos
 
 
Current Mood: bored
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
22 December 2006 @ 07:38 pm
All this family-togetherness is just so enriching, I could spit.

I honestly can't get away from them, for more than an hour. And it's starting to bug me. I do love my family, with all their flaws and trying nature, but...there's only so much of them I can stand over a prolonged period of time. I've been spending exceedingly long moments of time with my parents when I've very plainly wanted to be alone. My mother takes my want for privacy personally, you see, and it's easier just to sit in with them so she doesn't angst for 4 or more days, and make my father's, as well as my, life a living hell. And my brother is convinced to make me a 'more social person', and 'get me prepaired for college and life' and wants me to be 'more cheerful'. I -am- cheerful. I'm just not all that sunshine and lollipops around THAT wanker.

Who could be. He's a self-important asshole, with a superiority complex. He likes control, and he likes power. He likes having an influence over people, and he thinks by quoting Ghandi at me to be 'the change I want to see in the world' is going to make me see him as a mentor, listen to him, and become enlightened. Sorry, no. I don't ask him for anything. Hell, I don't even -hint- at suggestions for anything. I haven't asked him for -anything- since we were kids. And he expects me to be tremendously grateful for the things he's 'done' for me, and the things he's 'said', and to apologize when I've called him an asshole for acting like a right git. Uh-huh. Sure.

My father is off early today, so we're driving around to go see the sights of Oahu. Joy of joys. We'll be meeting up with Justin later on, and have even more family time. My mother bitching and moaning about the weather, and every other little thing that irks her, snapping at me when I say something; my father being quiet and subdued, taking it all, commenting every so often; my brother, dogging me about being cheerful, picking at my clothes, occasionally quipping with my mother and I, and me. Sitting in the back seat, begging my phone to ring so I can distract myself from them.


It's always like this at christmas, you know. Even amidst the Christmas Carols in Dallas, the various things my brother's doing, the moving, the plays, the school, the everything. That's what our days are like. This family doesn't look at eachother. It took my mother 3 days to notice I had a bruise under my eye from tripping on the stairs again 2 days ago. And it had gone down since. My brother notices damned near everything, everything but what I'm really feeling. He makes assumptions, and I ignore him until he goes away. My dad, though. He saw the thing a few minutes after it happened. Sometimes, he's perfectly oblivious to -everything-, but sometimes...when it matters, he notices. Like when my mother's having an awful pass at me for no reason, sometimes he'll break it up. He stays out of it most of the time, unless he agrees, then he'll slip in a comment amidst the yelling. And I tell him he's not even in the conversation. And he shuts up.

It's worse around the season, because my mother's idea of generosity is she gives alot, and if we don't give back exactly what she wants when she wants it, or don't show enough appreciation, she goes on about HOW generous she was, and that she might as well leave us, and we're ungrateful, and blah, blah, blah...My brother's much more subtle with guilt. He knows me, he's my brother, and he knows -just- how to manipulate me. He always has. Trouble is, I can't get rid of him. He's family. I can ignore him, though, but it's...hard. When you've never gotten away from it, and he's just...he's Justin. He's -my- Justin, he's my brother. I love him, and I am -so- proud of him. And he says he's proud of me, sometimes, but...not to me. He'll tell my mom. And time afterwards, she'll tell me because she never knew he didn't tell me. He doesn't tell me when he's proud, or happy, or appreciates me. He tells me when I've done something wrong, or am being foolish, or...well, you get the idea. So when I hear that he's proud of me, it...makes me really happy. And it hurts. Alot. That I might not appreciate him enough, and that's why he doesn't tell me. And then he pisses me off again. And he can go to hell.

We're really not like this when he's far away. Over the phone, we joke, and laugh, and actually talk like human beings. It's because he misses me. He misses family. Sometimes, I think he misses the power. Though, he never exploits that when we talk over the phone. I like it better when he's half the world away. It's how things should be. My mother, on the other hand, has the power of guilt and manipulation far away OR next to me. It's really quite amazing. Still, I wonder, when I'm far away from her one day, if we'll have a better relationship. If she's still talking to me, that is. She seems to think that the idea of me moving out is my way if saying "I don't love you or need you anymore in any way." Which is not true. I'll always love my mother, and need her in that sense. But I won't need to be taken care of by her because I'll be a self-sustaining healthy adult, and I won't need her bullshit.

My father, though. I'd feel worse about leaving him. Alone with her, and just...alone. He loves talking with my brother and I because he can talk about things he can't with my mom. Like about the book, and things of his past like his ex-wife, and retarded adventures, and...being an actor. Loving the stage. Performing, and how it makes him full. We understand that. We're actors. And he can't talk like that with my mother because it's something she -pretends- to understand. She makes him feel guilty about wanting to go act because it will, 'leave her all alone'. We're all 'abandoning her'. She makes us feel guilty for our craft all the time. Not my brother, though, he just...doesn't feel guilty. About anything. I think that's how he gets by in life, with his kind of cruel demeanor and attitude, he just..doesn't feel guilty. And that makes me think. Does he feel guilty about -anything- he's done? Anything at all?

I shouldn't think about that alot, nothing good's going to come of it. And I have a feeling nothing good is going to come of today's 'family togetherness'. I'll be out the rest of the day, I imagine, and that does not sit well with me. So, I hope to bugger off at one point, and phone a couple to people to save me from imminent arguments, awkwardness, and retarded BLAH.


Cheers. <3


---Sometime later-----


I just fell in the shower, and nearly bashed my head in. Hurt my arm really bad, but it's moveable. Like, 2 minutes after it happened, I'm still on the bottom of the shower going, "Wait, what now..o.O", and my mom knocks on the door. I'm thinking she's checking to see what the loud crash was.

Uh...no.

She wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be long.

Point made about this family never noticing anything.
 
 
Current Location: Room.
Current Mood: sore
Current Music: Happy Phantom - Tori Amos
 
 
Desri R. Stranton
16 December 2006 @ 08:11 am
God mother FUCKING damnit.


I hate it. I hate it, I hate it.

I fucking HATE Hawaii.

Why? IT'S A GODDAMN FUCKING ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN FUCKING OCEAN. I've tried to optimisitc. I've tried to be happy. I've tried to make friends, and making the best of things. I've tried to adjust, and I've tried to see the good in it all.

Well, I'm fucking SICK of it.

FUCK THE PALMS, FUCK THE WILLOW SANDS, AND FUCK THE BANYAN TREES.

I'm sick of my parents, and I'm SICK of this RELENTLESS HEAT.

I WANT COLD, GODDAMNIT. Texas had choice cold days. And I loved it. I fucking LOVED being out in the cold.

There's no such thing here. No. Such. Thing.

My mother won't stop. She won't leave me alone. It's just the same shit, only worse because of the FUCKING UNPACKING. FUCK. FUCK, FUCK FUCK, FUCK.


Goddamnit. It's fucking christmas.


And you're all back home.


Everyone is going home for Christmas...


I'm not.


I don't get to see anyone for Christmastide.

NO one.

My parents are edgy, my brother's flying in tomorrow, they're ALREADY fighting over the phones, I need to get a job, I start college in January which I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO, it's goddamn FUCKING december without any wind, I might have a fucking heart murmer, migrains, a thyroid problem, my mother's threatening to throw my shit out, NOTHING fits in this fucking house, I haven't performed, written, or drawn in over 6 months, I'm getting nothing for christmas,


AND ALL MY FUCKING FRIENDS ARE BACK IN FUCKING TEXAS.



I just want to curl up and die.




AND I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING I CAN STAND UP FOR MYSELF.

NEWSFLASH, YOU FUCKS.


I DON'T PROTECT MYSELF BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING IDIOT.


IT;S JUST NOT GODDAMN FUCKING FAIR. NONE OF IT'S FUCKING FAIR, FUCK EVERYTHING, FUCK EVERYONE, FUCK IT.







FUCK












Dhhhhhhhhhh.....





...I just want to see my friends...have a good laugh, mess around, play silly games, anything...anyfuckingthing...


It's all just slipped away. Grace. Sara. Mini. Larke Maggie, and Zack.  Courtney and Lindsey.  Ian. Marcus. Merideth.
Everyone.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss every single fucking one of you. Every SINGLE one of you.




Everyone gets to see eachother this christmas....


Everyone but me.



And it just isn't fair.